I'd rather dissolve than have you ignore me.

I have a feeling that I might be more self-conscious, more neurotic than I was last year.
Who knows though?
My current state doesn't allow myself to think clearly or see clearly.
I guess this year has been something to remember. It's probably more fun than last year. Come to think of it, I barely remember last year. Well, that's not completely true; I remember Ms. Magnetta and AP World History and band and the DC Trip (which feels like a million years ago) and Jessica and Iguana Hotcakes(which we never actually started). This year seems to have gone by in blink of the eye. But I still feel that distance of last year. I don't know where the time's gone.

I was talking to my freshman friend on the bus, and I was telling her the insane things my classmates say and do and she said "I love your friends." And I thought, Wow, I do too. Though they may be only acquaintances some of them, for I don't hang out with them outside of school, they are my friends. They complete my day. They like me and I like them. They make me laugh and give me stories to tell and that's really the only thing I need now.
It's cheesy but I'm glad I'll have something to miss.
Yesterday after forth block, I was all down-in-out because of Jon as usual. And I was standing near Sean, and telling him and Jamie how lame this week has been and then Sean just gave me a hug. He hugged me for a little bit like he knew I was just feeling sad. Sean rarely gives me hugs. After I knew I had nothing to be sad about. There are important things and unimportant things in the world and Jon is unimportant. Sean, my friends, are important and I won't be able to love them for much longer.

I'm always going to sway towards those people. The ones I'm trying so hard to attain and impress. But for now, I'm trying so hard not to. It's extremely frustrating.








P.S.Kelly, if you're reading this, know how much I miss you right now.
I'm not supposed to be on the computer or my phone, but I'll call you when I get my phone back.

I SAW PAUL MCCARTNEY! I SAW PAUL MCCARTNEY!

Dear Sophia,

Please, for your own sake, stop wasting your time on people who don't care about you, aren't interested in you, and have no significance whatsoever. Instead, focus on the people in your life who do care for you and like you and love you and have something sincere and important to say. Think about the people who do know you and want to know you because these are the only people who should actually matter in your life. Focus on Tisch, on moving, on school next year and finally being a senior. Next year, you won't think twice about these insignificant people. So why think about them now?

Sincerely,
Sophia
---------------------------

I guess I listen better when other people are telling me what to do.
Actually, I don't think I ever listen to anyone period.
Boys are stupid.
No, don't try to argue. Girls can be stupid, and trust me I know, but they aren't that shallow. That single-minded. Well, some are. Okay, there are a lot of single minded, shallow girls but I don't know them. I only associate with the male types. And even though I talk to a lot of boys and have a lot of friends who are boys, there is always that one (or two) that make you feel like shit. Of course they are not that special and don't deserve the uttmost attention that you pay to them everyday. Of course. So then you realize that they are stupid, but it's not really them who are the problem. It's YOU for allowing them to crawl under your skin.
So I get the feeling I'm just talking myself in circles.
This really gets me no where except more angry at myself.

I need to accept the fact that nothing spectacular is going to happen with any boy in the next 80 days. I've hated it here for so long, and I'm finally getting to break for it. The people here will never see me how I want them to see me and I need to realize this. Fully realize it. I don't think I see them properly. I'm to angry at them to see them properly.
Next year will be THE year and I can wait it out till then.
I just need to stop taking for granted the people I actually love and trust here and start giving them my full attention.

"I am interested in anything about revolt, disorder, chaos, especially activity that seems to have no meaning."

whatever.
that's what I say to myself.
whatever.
but I'm completely feeling the opposite of whatever "whatever" is.
whateverrrrrrrr.

overall, spring break has sucked. I was excited about staying home, I really was. But I'm never staying home again.
I need to move and do. Every moment I feel is being wasted. I guess it is.

Tomorrow I'm going to Sean's for tacos. This is one of the only things I've done over spring break. Delaney and I hung out and it was fun, but we didn't do much, you know?
I thought spring break was going to be exciting. Or at least fun.
But it's not like I'm getting invited everywhere.
I don't belong to a group.
I just float.
And do nothing.


Summer could not come fast enough.