I'd rather dissolve than have you ignore me.

I have a feeling that I might be more self-conscious, more neurotic than I was last year.
Who knows though?
My current state doesn't allow myself to think clearly or see clearly.
I guess this year has been something to remember. It's probably more fun than last year. Come to think of it, I barely remember last year. Well, that's not completely true; I remember Ms. Magnetta and AP World History and band and the DC Trip (which feels like a million years ago) and Jessica and Iguana Hotcakes(which we never actually started). This year seems to have gone by in blink of the eye. But I still feel that distance of last year. I don't know where the time's gone.

I was talking to my freshman friend on the bus, and I was telling her the insane things my classmates say and do and she said "I love your friends." And I thought, Wow, I do too. Though they may be only acquaintances some of them, for I don't hang out with them outside of school, they are my friends. They complete my day. They like me and I like them. They make me laugh and give me stories to tell and that's really the only thing I need now.
It's cheesy but I'm glad I'll have something to miss.
Yesterday after forth block, I was all down-in-out because of Jon as usual. And I was standing near Sean, and telling him and Jamie how lame this week has been and then Sean just gave me a hug. He hugged me for a little bit like he knew I was just feeling sad. Sean rarely gives me hugs. After I knew I had nothing to be sad about. There are important things and unimportant things in the world and Jon is unimportant. Sean, my friends, are important and I won't be able to love them for much longer.

I'm always going to sway towards those people. The ones I'm trying so hard to attain and impress. But for now, I'm trying so hard not to. It's extremely frustrating.








P.S.Kelly, if you're reading this, know how much I miss you right now.
I'm not supposed to be on the computer or my phone, but I'll call you when I get my phone back.

I SAW PAUL MCCARTNEY! I SAW PAUL MCCARTNEY!

Dear Sophia,

Please, for your own sake, stop wasting your time on people who don't care about you, aren't interested in you, and have no significance whatsoever. Instead, focus on the people in your life who do care for you and like you and love you and have something sincere and important to say. Think about the people who do know you and want to know you because these are the only people who should actually matter in your life. Focus on Tisch, on moving, on school next year and finally being a senior. Next year, you won't think twice about these insignificant people. So why think about them now?

Sincerely,
Sophia
---------------------------

I guess I listen better when other people are telling me what to do.
Actually, I don't think I ever listen to anyone period.
Boys are stupid.
No, don't try to argue. Girls can be stupid, and trust me I know, but they aren't that shallow. That single-minded. Well, some are. Okay, there are a lot of single minded, shallow girls but I don't know them. I only associate with the male types. And even though I talk to a lot of boys and have a lot of friends who are boys, there is always that one (or two) that make you feel like shit. Of course they are not that special and don't deserve the uttmost attention that you pay to them everyday. Of course. So then you realize that they are stupid, but it's not really them who are the problem. It's YOU for allowing them to crawl under your skin.
So I get the feeling I'm just talking myself in circles.
This really gets me no where except more angry at myself.

I need to accept the fact that nothing spectacular is going to happen with any boy in the next 80 days. I've hated it here for so long, and I'm finally getting to break for it. The people here will never see me how I want them to see me and I need to realize this. Fully realize it. I don't think I see them properly. I'm to angry at them to see them properly.
Next year will be THE year and I can wait it out till then.
I just need to stop taking for granted the people I actually love and trust here and start giving them my full attention.

"I am interested in anything about revolt, disorder, chaos, especially activity that seems to have no meaning."

whatever.
that's what I say to myself.
whatever.
but I'm completely feeling the opposite of whatever "whatever" is.
whateverrrrrrrr.

overall, spring break has sucked. I was excited about staying home, I really was. But I'm never staying home again.
I need to move and do. Every moment I feel is being wasted. I guess it is.

Tomorrow I'm going to Sean's for tacos. This is one of the only things I've done over spring break. Delaney and I hung out and it was fun, but we didn't do much, you know?
I thought spring break was going to be exciting. Or at least fun.
But it's not like I'm getting invited everywhere.
I don't belong to a group.
I just float.
And do nothing.


Summer could not come fast enough.

This isn't important.

It is Friday night; about 7:49. ish.
I should be reading the Great Gadsby.



WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Everybody plays the game and if you don't you're called insane.

All those motherfuckers with their motherfucking boyfriends and motherfucking girlfriends (except of course for you, Kelly Carlin, and probably Jessica[oh, and excuse the "motherfucker"s]). UUUGH.
You yellow-bellied jerkfaces, with your hand-holding and your nose-kissing, are purposely trying to make me feel like a lesser human being. Ugh! And those KAY commercials. Recently, I was gag-ing after the "every kiss begins with Kay" jingle and my mother said "You're just jealous." Well thanks a lot, Annn. Thanks for pointing that out. But even while those commercials are filled with excessive, unrealistic cheesy-ness, I am still extremely jealous. I don't hold any personal animosity towards Kay Jewlers or those love-sick kids at school. It's just that I'm so jealous it makes me sick.
The only remedy for such sickness is turning on some music and day dreaming about all of the beautiful and famous people I will one day meet, like Andrew VanWyngarden and Julian Casablancas, and my 25th high school reunion where I will stick my toungue out--no, that's childish--where I will secretly scoff at all my fellow adults and the now grown-up boys who ignored me in class and say "ha!"
But meanwhile, this growing dissatisfaction with my life is making me so sick and tired that I want to sleep and puke at the same time. My life is so unentertaining that I'm forced to think about the most mundane things.

I've been reading Love is a Mixtape though, and it's made me realize how fun loving music is and how comforting it is to count yourself among the music lovers and fans.
I've been downloading a TON of music lately. Music off the internet. I didn't realize how much free music there is. I just go on these sites like NME.com and download song after song. I don't know how legal this is, but I don't really care. I owe over $100 if it's not.


Jeez. I haven't typed in awhile.

I sometimes say, "Fate my friend, you say the strangest things I find, sometimes."

Nothing, I repeat, nothing lasts. Nothing is constant.
And hell, I'm pretty happy about that right now.

The year is going by quickly, and almost painlessly. Ha, who am I kidding? It's just 12759312 times better than last year and freshman year combined.

I've finally made friends with people who get the same things I like. It's nice to have friends. It really is.
Of course I still rather skip this town and drive to SanFran with my girl, Kelly.

Whatever, just another year, right? Then we'll blow this popsicle stand and start some livin'.
Right on.

I've been very busy the past few weeks, and I will be for like, the next month. I'm not very used to being busy, but I like it. Keeps my mind off nothingness.
I'm enjoying everyday things again. I like that.


All around, everything's pretty cool. Who knows how long this will last though?
The funny thing is, most of my sadness or anxious-ness (I need a better word) is what I create. We are prone to being dramatic, humans are. I really think so. I get sad because I think something is missing in my life. But what if nothing is actually missing? What if I just need to go find what's missing? Maybe it's not that simple. But it should be. I think it can be.


Transcend, right? Transendentalism, yeah?
I think I'll become a Transcendentalist and start quoting Thoreau and Emerson.
"Simplify, simplify, simplify."


I hope I'm doing that.


Blah, blah, blah, blah.
None of this matters.
blah.

bye.

you randy little spaniel.

I frankly have nothing. to. say.
And instead of writing about nothing on my stupid blog, I should be doing my AP Eng homework. Or sleeping. But I can't do either on a count of my brain is too empty yet too tightly wound to do anything beneficial for myself.

I just saw Amelia. Eh. Depressing. Sort of uplifting. I mean, she does die in the end. It's hard to watch a two hour movie when you know the ending already. When I say "sort of uplifting" I mean it was totally a girl power movie. Right on. So it's hard not to appreciate Amelia.

The movie theater I go to is such a shady place. Every hoodlum in town hangs out at the Regal on Friday and Saturday night. And they don't really go see movies. They just hang out. In mass groups. They all look the same, like there's some hoodlum dress code. If you're female, you must be showing five inches of skin, wherever skin should not normally be shown. And for the guys, beanies with plaid shirts. Or really low pants, with your boxers all out there, so that the world knows you don't give a damn. It's almost amusing, how horribly Haley and I fit in.

We got into our theater 30 minutes before the movie, because we just had extra time. So we pranced around the seats and just frolicked. Then we took a break, went to the bathroom and when we got back, another little group of hoodlums were in there. We thought "woah, they actually want to see Amelia?" Ahh, no. They were going to see Saw 28650784. So there were only 7 of us in the theater. Except for Haley and me, everyone was at least older than 45 years. I thought, wow, we're pretty gosh darn geeky.

I haven't cried in awhile.
I cried last night, for at least 30 minutes, over DJ AM.

Don't judge me man, you don't know my life.

No, I really did. Insane, right? I didn't care about DJ AM when he was alive. And frankly, when he died, sure it was sad, but it sounded like a million other young, glamorous, stupid people.

But lately I've been watching Gone Too Far, the show where AM tries to help drug rattled teens get sober. AM also battled with drugs his entire life, mainly his use of cocaine. He was so addicted, and so fed up with his addiction, that at one point he tried to kill himself, and the gun jammed. It JAMMED. He sobered up eventually, with little help from family or friends. And in the episode I watched last night, some moronic little girl decided to come home from rehab and shoot up. She's being given all of this help, all of this attention, an opportunity to sober up with guidance and she doesn't take it. Meanwhile, DJ AM was strong enough to get away from drugs on his own, and unfortunately, he gets in a plane crash. And he is in physical and emotional pain, and therefore gets addicted to pain killers. And his girlfriends breaks up with him. And guess what they find in his system when he died? Coke, and a billion other drugs.

It was just so depressing. I haven't cried over anything in a while, and I sobbed over this man.

This just proves how uneven our world is; no matter how much you try, your pain and suffering may never come to an end. Your effort to overcome may be futile.

So I'll just leave you with those happy thoughts.

goodnight.

"All the leaves are brown because I just puked all over them."

I just deactivated my facebook and I haven't felt this much joy since...ah...I don't know. Since I saw Kelly last.

KELLY, I MISS YOU.

But God, I'm so sick of being able to be reached at any moment. Stupid cell phones. Stupid technology.

I watched The Graduate today. I've already seen it, but I never really saw it. I understood the film at a much deeper level than before. But it really is so depressing. Though, I'm not sure if relationship between Ben and Elaine was supposed to be as sad as I took it to be.

I hate this whole love thing.

And what's more is how crazy it is to hate "this whole love thing," considering that I am human. I love. I think I dislike it because I can't define it nor explain it. Well, I try. But there are always exceptions to whatever theory I try and come up with.

Recently, I was listening to the Ben E. King song "Stand By Me" and it too sounded completely new to me. I mean, if Mr. King was not merely trying to write a good song, then he must have seriously loved some woman. You see, he claims that even if the sky fell apart, he would be happy just to have this woman standing by him. IF THE SKY that we look at everyday, that is a constant in our lives, that we live under fell apart, I would indeed cry. I would be totally disturbed for the rest of my life. I mean, I would never see a sunset again, never see the moon or the clouds. I'd never have a rainy day again. No snow. No hurricanes. If you really think about the gravity of his words, then it's some powerful stuff.

Love. Love, love, love.

Maybe the topic is stuck in my head because I just finished watching the season finale of Sex and the City. Or maybe it's because I'm a teenage girl. Or maybe, possibly, I'm just bored out of my mind with my life right now and seriously need something sweet and lovely to happen. ahhh.

The thing is, I don't mean just love between a man and a woman. I mean friendship and family as well. I want to find happiness in one of those three.

Anyway, I could write an entire 3786593276 pages on my theories about love.

I have many opinions, and no experience to back them up with.

I've come to the conclusion that I truly live in my own little world. Nothing in the outside world really affects me. And that's a shame. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm just to young, and maybe I should just enjoy this brief period of my life where I will be totally protected. But it pisses me off, frankly. My life seems meaningless. It only affects the few people around me. I just want some perspective, dammit. Something wonderful and profound, you know?

whatever. A girl can dream, can't she?

goodnight.

Gabba Gabba HEY!

Another Sunday night.

And I can't sleep, because I just want to get tomorrow over with. Not that anything dreadful is happening tomorrow, really. Except for a physics test, bless my soul.

Oh, Joey Ramone. I wanna be sedated.

This weekend, I didn't really do anything except recuperate from the long week before. I bought Adventureland. Good movie. God, no one has seen Adverntureland. I bought a shirt off of ebay, that said "I'm Frigo Kapeesh," and no. one. understood. Except for my dear friend Kelly who I saw the movie with. But I digress. Jessica came over. We went to the mall. We baked. It was fun. You know. The usual.

BUT DAMN. I DON'T WANT THE USUAL.

It's just boring.

everything. boring.

I guess that's better than everything being painful, right?

Yeah. God, I hope things become happy exciting, not sad-exciting.

you understand.

I'm sorry. I know I don't make sense.

I can't help it. I know I'm sleepy.

ok. Maybe I'll write when I'm more awake.

love.

give me a man like James Dean. I won't complain anymore.

I cannot fall asleep to save my life. I freaking out about going to school tomorrow.

just. AGH. School sucks. It's true. I wake up at 5 a.m. just to go sit in a freezing cold room and sit in a small plastic chair where I will learn information that I will probably forget by next semester; and I'm supposed to enjoy this? This is the highlight of my life? HIGH SCHOOL?

ha. I refuse.

It's already the 3rd week and I want to hurl just thinking about school.

I have to admit, the past few weeks have been better than the first few months of freshman and sophomore year combined. I have more friends and I feel much more comfortable. I've met people who I click with.

But you know. The military. It's all about to change.

Ol' step dad is going to have a change in command soon. Where will we go? hmmm...I'll go just about anywhere to get away from here.

I want some definite plans. I want something that I can really hold on to. And I want to know what city I'll be in by January.

But, with all of this said, I am very fortunate. When I used to live in DC I felt as if all of my friends had it better than me. I had a 6-month old brother and my mom couldn't drive me everywhere I wanted to go. I had to actually help out around my house. And my middle school self would complain and bitch and moan.

Then, I get here.

And I have friends who are dirt-poor and have strange family situations. I know my family situation can be gross sometimes, but I am so extremely fortunate. I mean, my family does everything for me. Everything they can. Right now I am sitting in a air-conditioned house, typing on my nice computer, with a stomach full of food. So much of the population doesn't have ANY OF THAT.

I shouldn't complain when there are so many that don't have the things that I was just born with.

I'm still not tired.

ok. night.

Gene Simmons. Your son should marry me.

2 days.
2 days.
No, LESS than 2 days. A day till I go to Springfield.
Wooooaaaah. Surreal. I haven't been there in over a year.
After I got home from camp, I think my mother saw how upset I was and said I could go see Kelly for my birthday. So, I will be spending my 17th birthday in Virginia.
My past two birthdays basically sucked. 15th birthday: started high school on my birthday. In a new school. In a new city. Actually in a completely new state. 16th birthday: started school AGAIN on my birthday. This year. No ma'am. It will be a great birthday. I'll make sure it's good.

I'm watching Gene Simmons' Family Jewel's. I should be asleep. Or at least reading the Scarlett Letter. Oh, Nathaniel Hawthorne. How I hate you. Ok, honestly it's not a bad book. I should be directing my hate towards my AP English teacher. It's SUMMER, woman! Come onnn.

Gene Simmons' son is an attractive one.

ok, goodnight.

Little Putney on the hillside.

Current mood: Iggy Pop-afied.
I think that explains a lot. Listen to the Stooges "No Fun." It's teenage angst wrapped into one song.

"No fun my babe no fun

No fun my babe no fun

No fun to hang around

Feeling that same old way

No fun to hang around

Freaked out for another day

No fun my babe no fun

No fun my babe no fun

No fun to be around

Walking by myself

No fun to be alone

In love with nobody else

Well maybe go out maybe stay home
Maybe call mom on the telephone

Well come on, well come on, well come on"

You know what I mean. It's like, describing lonely, Perpetual Boredom.

peeeeeeeeeeeeeerpeeeeeeetuuuuuuuuaaaaaaalllllllll.

that's why I have this blog. ha.

So. I just got home from camp about a week ago. I feel like I've been home for months. I got back into the swing of things very quickly. Not that I, in any way wanted to. I'd rather be at Putney any day. When you're there you feel very separated from the outside world. You kind of create your own community of friendly, crazy, art kids. Oh yes, Putney Summer Programs. It's magical, really.

When you're first there, everything is so new and your basically forced to be friendly to each other and make friends. And you make these friends quickly and very intensely. You see these people everyday all day and when you leave there's just a huge void. "Where did all my friends go?" Before I got to Putney, I was certain that I could not stand teenagers. Except for the wonderful few, I thought I didn't like people any more. My best friend, KELLY ANN lives faar, far away from me at the moment. She is basically the only person I can talk to about everything. Before camp, I was kind of disillusioned with people. But I realized while being there that there are amazing, intelligent kids in the world, who are exactly like me and feel the same way as I do on a number of issues. We just make up a small part of the population, that's all.

I feel hopeful. Like I'll make good friends this year. It's a NEW YEAR. "I should be happy right? Well I can't get happy." Oh John Hughes. You'll be missed.

oh, hey kelly.

yeah, I think you will be the only one reading this.


heh, heh.

i don't blog.

I don't really blog.
Let's see what happens with this, shall we?
I'll be gone in a couple of days for a long period of time.
So, I'll probably stop, but then maybe, if I don't lose interest I'll come back. I hope.


I just found out Billy Mays died?!
How did I only find out about this when I was invited to the "RIP Billy Mays" group on facebook?

Maybe I 'm just living under a rock.