"All the leaves are brown because I just puked all over them."

I just deactivated my facebook and I haven't felt this much joy since...ah...I don't know. Since I saw Kelly last.

KELLY, I MISS YOU.

But God, I'm so sick of being able to be reached at any moment. Stupid cell phones. Stupid technology.

I watched The Graduate today. I've already seen it, but I never really saw it. I understood the film at a much deeper level than before. But it really is so depressing. Though, I'm not sure if relationship between Ben and Elaine was supposed to be as sad as I took it to be.

I hate this whole love thing.

And what's more is how crazy it is to hate "this whole love thing," considering that I am human. I love. I think I dislike it because I can't define it nor explain it. Well, I try. But there are always exceptions to whatever theory I try and come up with.

Recently, I was listening to the Ben E. King song "Stand By Me" and it too sounded completely new to me. I mean, if Mr. King was not merely trying to write a good song, then he must have seriously loved some woman. You see, he claims that even if the sky fell apart, he would be happy just to have this woman standing by him. IF THE SKY that we look at everyday, that is a constant in our lives, that we live under fell apart, I would indeed cry. I would be totally disturbed for the rest of my life. I mean, I would never see a sunset again, never see the moon or the clouds. I'd never have a rainy day again. No snow. No hurricanes. If you really think about the gravity of his words, then it's some powerful stuff.

Love. Love, love, love.

Maybe the topic is stuck in my head because I just finished watching the season finale of Sex and the City. Or maybe it's because I'm a teenage girl. Or maybe, possibly, I'm just bored out of my mind with my life right now and seriously need something sweet and lovely to happen. ahhh.

The thing is, I don't mean just love between a man and a woman. I mean friendship and family as well. I want to find happiness in one of those three.

Anyway, I could write an entire 3786593276 pages on my theories about love.

I have many opinions, and no experience to back them up with.

I've come to the conclusion that I truly live in my own little world. Nothing in the outside world really affects me. And that's a shame. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm just to young, and maybe I should just enjoy this brief period of my life where I will be totally protected. But it pisses me off, frankly. My life seems meaningless. It only affects the few people around me. I just want some perspective, dammit. Something wonderful and profound, you know?

whatever. A girl can dream, can't she?

goodnight.

Gabba Gabba HEY!

Another Sunday night.

And I can't sleep, because I just want to get tomorrow over with. Not that anything dreadful is happening tomorrow, really. Except for a physics test, bless my soul.

Oh, Joey Ramone. I wanna be sedated.

This weekend, I didn't really do anything except recuperate from the long week before. I bought Adventureland. Good movie. God, no one has seen Adverntureland. I bought a shirt off of ebay, that said "I'm Frigo Kapeesh," and no. one. understood. Except for my dear friend Kelly who I saw the movie with. But I digress. Jessica came over. We went to the mall. We baked. It was fun. You know. The usual.

BUT DAMN. I DON'T WANT THE USUAL.

It's just boring.

everything. boring.

I guess that's better than everything being painful, right?

Yeah. God, I hope things become happy exciting, not sad-exciting.

you understand.

I'm sorry. I know I don't make sense.

I can't help it. I know I'm sleepy.

ok. Maybe I'll write when I'm more awake.

love.

give me a man like James Dean. I won't complain anymore.

I cannot fall asleep to save my life. I freaking out about going to school tomorrow.

just. AGH. School sucks. It's true. I wake up at 5 a.m. just to go sit in a freezing cold room and sit in a small plastic chair where I will learn information that I will probably forget by next semester; and I'm supposed to enjoy this? This is the highlight of my life? HIGH SCHOOL?

ha. I refuse.

It's already the 3rd week and I want to hurl just thinking about school.

I have to admit, the past few weeks have been better than the first few months of freshman and sophomore year combined. I have more friends and I feel much more comfortable. I've met people who I click with.

But you know. The military. It's all about to change.

Ol' step dad is going to have a change in command soon. Where will we go? hmmm...I'll go just about anywhere to get away from here.

I want some definite plans. I want something that I can really hold on to. And I want to know what city I'll be in by January.

But, with all of this said, I am very fortunate. When I used to live in DC I felt as if all of my friends had it better than me. I had a 6-month old brother and my mom couldn't drive me everywhere I wanted to go. I had to actually help out around my house. And my middle school self would complain and bitch and moan.

Then, I get here.

And I have friends who are dirt-poor and have strange family situations. I know my family situation can be gross sometimes, but I am so extremely fortunate. I mean, my family does everything for me. Everything they can. Right now I am sitting in a air-conditioned house, typing on my nice computer, with a stomach full of food. So much of the population doesn't have ANY OF THAT.

I shouldn't complain when there are so many that don't have the things that I was just born with.

I'm still not tired.

ok. night.

Gene Simmons. Your son should marry me.

2 days.
2 days.
No, LESS than 2 days. A day till I go to Springfield.
Wooooaaaah. Surreal. I haven't been there in over a year.
After I got home from camp, I think my mother saw how upset I was and said I could go see Kelly for my birthday. So, I will be spending my 17th birthday in Virginia.
My past two birthdays basically sucked. 15th birthday: started high school on my birthday. In a new school. In a new city. Actually in a completely new state. 16th birthday: started school AGAIN on my birthday. This year. No ma'am. It will be a great birthday. I'll make sure it's good.

I'm watching Gene Simmons' Family Jewel's. I should be asleep. Or at least reading the Scarlett Letter. Oh, Nathaniel Hawthorne. How I hate you. Ok, honestly it's not a bad book. I should be directing my hate towards my AP English teacher. It's SUMMER, woman! Come onnn.

Gene Simmons' son is an attractive one.

ok, goodnight.

Little Putney on the hillside.

Current mood: Iggy Pop-afied.
I think that explains a lot. Listen to the Stooges "No Fun." It's teenage angst wrapped into one song.

"No fun my babe no fun

No fun my babe no fun

No fun to hang around

Feeling that same old way

No fun to hang around

Freaked out for another day

No fun my babe no fun

No fun my babe no fun

No fun to be around

Walking by myself

No fun to be alone

In love with nobody else

Well maybe go out maybe stay home
Maybe call mom on the telephone

Well come on, well come on, well come on"

You know what I mean. It's like, describing lonely, Perpetual Boredom.

peeeeeeeeeeeeeerpeeeeeeetuuuuuuuuaaaaaaalllllllll.

that's why I have this blog. ha.

So. I just got home from camp about a week ago. I feel like I've been home for months. I got back into the swing of things very quickly. Not that I, in any way wanted to. I'd rather be at Putney any day. When you're there you feel very separated from the outside world. You kind of create your own community of friendly, crazy, art kids. Oh yes, Putney Summer Programs. It's magical, really.

When you're first there, everything is so new and your basically forced to be friendly to each other and make friends. And you make these friends quickly and very intensely. You see these people everyday all day and when you leave there's just a huge void. "Where did all my friends go?" Before I got to Putney, I was certain that I could not stand teenagers. Except for the wonderful few, I thought I didn't like people any more. My best friend, KELLY ANN lives faar, far away from me at the moment. She is basically the only person I can talk to about everything. Before camp, I was kind of disillusioned with people. But I realized while being there that there are amazing, intelligent kids in the world, who are exactly like me and feel the same way as I do on a number of issues. We just make up a small part of the population, that's all.

I feel hopeful. Like I'll make good friends this year. It's a NEW YEAR. "I should be happy right? Well I can't get happy." Oh John Hughes. You'll be missed.

oh, hey kelly.

yeah, I think you will be the only one reading this.


heh, heh.

i don't blog.

I don't really blog.
Let's see what happens with this, shall we?
I'll be gone in a couple of days for a long period of time.
So, I'll probably stop, but then maybe, if I don't lose interest I'll come back. I hope.


I just found out Billy Mays died?!
How did I only find out about this when I was invited to the "RIP Billy Mays" group on facebook?

Maybe I 'm just living under a rock.